catch me before i ebb away

I found myself thinking this week "I hate this" as I was going to work. If you know me, u'll know this means it's serious. And yes, i think it got pretty serious this week as I also found myself close to tears sometimes juz feeling massively overwhelmed.

It's been a really rough week. I'm soooo thankful for the various fellow OTs that I could share my struggles with and who encouraged me along. Thank you God for that, cuz I really needed the encouragement. And the reminder that it's no use burning myself out because it's not going to benefit anyone in the long run.

It's easy to say and not that easy to carry out. I can try my best, but I might still dream of my patients tonight, juz like I have been doing for many many nights already. I don't know how to describe the disappointment I feel (in myself) when I wake up in the morning thinking of my patients.

The struggle within myself is probably what grips me the most. It is the knowledge that i am so NOT looking after my body and health, and neither am i able to give my best to some patients just because there is so little time, so many patients, and so few therapists. If I were to do a 'What do you hold important in your life?' activity, these two things - my health and doing an excellent job for patients - would rank highly. And this is precisely the problem. I can't. I can't.

Having the awareness of the crux of the problem is supposed to be good I guess, but perhaps... not when having the awareness is no point, because i cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe that's why they say ignorance is bliss.