arrrrghhhhhhhh

I've really just had it about up to here already having to put up with the amount of wolf-whistling my irritant of a neighbour does. I feel like snapping at him "will it just kill you if you DON'T WOLFWHISTLE for 1 day?!?!!" arrrrrghhhh!

He was irritating in a childish manner all along, but I still enjoyed having him as a neighbour overall from the start of semester, cuz he's quite nice and he had this gf back in his homeland that he was, really, quite head-over-heels in love with. At times his infatuation with her was admirable, at times it came close to irritating. But ok... still ok.

Then about a month ago they broke up. According to him, she cheated on him. Ok lor, fine... THENNNN he went nuts here. Incessantly wolf-whistled at any 'chick' who walked past our kitchen outside (we have this full-length window at our kitchen), kept 'boasting' about which gal is trying so hard to find him now and be friends with him until he had to fake that he's in another city, going on and on about which gal he picked up at the bar tonite... etc etc.

OH MAN... I've endured it for the past month or so and I'm SO IRRITATED NOW. arrrrghhhh!!!

notice how many times I've used the word irritating and all its cousin derivatives.

He's really irritating ah!

I think he's probably starting to detect 2.9% of my growing irritation (the insensitive bloke needs a bit of time to process it i guess) because he doesn't try his funny things on me anymore (he used to try to poke me in my stomach/back in the kitchen when I'm unaware but I glared at him).

His whole derogatory manner towards girls is just to be abhorred, I kid you not. Example of conversation between him and another guy (this was just after he broke up):

He: Oh I just broke up with her, man.
Guy: Aww that's a pity. But it happens, man. Life goes on.
He: Yeah man, girls are like that. girls are sh*t. They're just nothing man.
Guy: *coughs embarrassingly*

And why the embarrassed cough, you ask? Because yours truly was in the kitchen cooking and yours truly is a girl and this neighbour of mine doesn't even have the basic courtesy to keep his utterly derogatory comments about girls to himself.

There was another time when he said worst things about girls to another neighbour in front of me in the kitchen (so terok I don't even want to write it). *faintz* ah...

If I need to snap at you soon, let me do it such that you actually GET the real idea.

I want to choose to look beyond your irritating behaviour and beyond your desperate attempts to find acceptance.

This is gonna be tough.

today, i will choose these

Each Day I Choose
By Max Lucado, from 'When God Whispers Your Name'

It's quiet. It's early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming.

In a few moments, the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met.

For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day's demands. It is now I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I'm free to choose. And so I choose.

I choose love...
No occasion justifies hatred;
no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love.
Today I will love God and what God loves.

I choose joy…
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance.
I will refuse the temptation to be cynical…
the tool of the lazy thinker.
I will refuse to see people as anything less
than human beings, created by God.
I will refuse to see any problem as anything less
than an opportunity to see God.

I choose peace...
I will live forgiven.
I will forgive so that I may live.

I choose patience...
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world.
Instead of cursing the one who takes my place,
I'll invite him to do so.
Rather than complain that the wait is too long,
I will thank God for a moment to pray.
Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments,
I will face them with joy and courage.

I choose kindness...
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone.
I will be kind to the rich, for they are afraid.
And kind to the unkind,
for such is how God has treated me.

I choose goodness...
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one.
I will be overlooked before I will boast.
I will confess before I will accuse.
I choose goodness.

I choose faithfulness...
Today I will keep my promises.
My debtors will not regret their trust.
My associates will not question my word.
My wife will not question my love.
And my children will never fear
that their father will not come home.

I choose gentleness...
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle.
If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise.
If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer.
If I make a demand, may it only be of myself.

I am a spiritual being…
After this body is dead, my spirit will soar.
I refuse to let what will rot rule the eternal.
I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy.
I will be impassioned only by my faith.
I will be influenced only by God.
I will be taught only by Christ.
I choose self-control.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
To these I commit my day.
If I succeed, I will give thanks.
If I fail, I will seek His grace.
And then, when this day is done,
I will place my head on my pillow and rest.

Galatians 5:22-23
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." (NIV)

"But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard--things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely." (The Message)

existentiality

I just returned from ocf. We were sharing about how each of us came to accept Jesus. Before that decision, each of us rejected Jesus in our own way. Yes, even those of us who were born into a Christian background.

Ever heard of the phrase, God has no grandchildren? To accept Jesus, to accept the gospel, to accept all that it is claiming to be - that is something not up to the parents or the family or even the background. It's a choice one has to make.

There's a wonderful couple with teenage children in ocf. The 14 year old son is this sweet bashful and unassumingly smart boy, haha. His mother shared how when he was 8, he apparently went thru a period where he was trying to make the gospel make sense to him. (He remembers vaguely about it but left it to his mum to tell us the whole story.)

She shared how he was crying badly at that stage, and saying things like 'how can the bible be true? how can it? how do you know the authors of the new testament didn't peep into what the authors of the old testament wrote about the prophecies, that's why the prophecies were fulfilled?'

And the part when he was so anguished over trying to make sense of it that he cried that "you (mum) and daddy and jiejie are all going to heaven but i'm going to hell".

Looking at him now, something tugged at my heart when I heard that. I can so imagine him going through all that (remember I said he's one intellectual guy). [sidenote: I think it must be so heartbreaking as Christian parents to have to watch your child go through such big issues! Yet knowing that you just really have to let the child know this God for himself personally... that there's no other shortcut to it.]

It really reminds me of how important it is to really know and understand what you believe in. For us as Christians, it is so so so important to know God intimately through spending time being with and hearing from Him. Otherwise when tough questions or circumstances arise, it will be just too easy to be swayed by deceptions and all.

Did you ever think that Christians became Christians because our families are already Christians, or that we anyhow hantam-ed a religion and happened to decide on this? I think it goes far beyond that. All humans wrestle with these existential and very tough questions at some point of time. The question is, does your answer satisfy you?

my suburban and nomadic existence

Weather has been consistently improved recently - finally! It improved about a month ago, but was cranky still. But now... *beams*... it's good AND consistent. Yippeez! This has meant that I'm out exploring more. No more hibernation!! And had a few mini adventures, like taking the wrong bus once. heehee. But that made me ponder upon the whole 'suburbanity' of my existence at this point in time (cuz I was just waiting at a bus stop for 30mins in the middle of the neighbourhood staring at the extent of suburbanity around me). I was like thinking, oh wow. What goes on in a suburb like this? What do they do most of the time? If I were living here, I'd probably be doing home improvements stuff to my house all the time. or gardening. or cooking. Then what? I don't know man... it seems kinda boring to me. It's a great change of environment, but perhaps I need more time to lose the 'city-gal' part of me. I've always thought that I was not the city type. But I think, I have to admit now that it is a large part of me actually. What to do... my home is a city state after all mah... :P

But I still appreciate this place. Can you believe it - there are sheep and kangaroos within 10min jog from my place? And I know there are foxes around, though I haven't seen them yet.

The buzzword these days among us is 'clear stock!'. It's time to start counting down to when we'll be moving outta this place, and the thought of packing everything again is quite tremendous. My room has heaps of accumulated stuff to begin with. (Been collecting bottles/tubs/containers when I finish jams/kaya/pasta sauce because they're really useful to store stuff like condensed milk/sugar that come in tins and packets. Really man... now you know why your mum always keeps containers. Containers are super important.) Then there's the stuff in the kitchen to talk about. Oh good grief. 2pots, 3dishes, 2tablespns, 2teaspns, 3knives, 1fork, 2+1ladles, 1scissors, 1canopener, 1thingtostirfry (oh dear what is tt called??), 2mugs.......... did I leave anything out??

Mental note: This inventory will be useful for me when I pack and unpack next time in future. haha.

Oh yah, anyway, the 'clear stock' thing is in reference to the foodstuff. I have to keep reminding myself nowadays when I go to the supermarket and want to buy, say, pasta, or noodles, or sauce... "Can I finish this in 2 months' time??"

I feel like a nomad sometimes.

a dedication to my OT friends, classmates and colleagues

If You Could Read My Thoughts
by Philip M Leadbeater, an Occupational Therapist
cjot april 2003

OCCUPATIONAL THERAPY, the sign said on the door,
My chair moved with a rumble, as it rolled across the floor.

I’m trapped inside my body, like an animal in its cage,
My life is a book of nightmares, and today’s another page.

My body is weak, my legs are numb, I can barely move my arm,
Yet, as I sit, I am reassured, that I’m safe here from all harm.

They’re going to do some therapy, and although it may take a while,
They seem to believe that perhaps one day, I’ll even learn to smile.

I don’t believe this place is Hell, for there are Angels all about,
They seem to help people like me, of this I have no doubt.

For someone in the corner, is learning how to stand,
And over there, a young boy, is reacquainted with his hand.

There are people working very hard and learning how to cope,
A common theme runs through this place and instills a sense of hope.

Please find the key that fits my lock, the next step is a must,
In order to set my spirit free, you must establish trust.

Look deep within my clouded eyes, though weary they may be,
Look beyond my broken dreams, there is something that you must see.

I may never be able to vocalize, or express my thoughts to you,
But I want you to know that I appreciate the miracles that you do.

You and I are mirror reflections; together we possess great wealth,
For the kindness you shine upon me, is reflected back onto yourself.

I sense the person deep inside, is a wonder to behold,
A rainbow falls upon your face; you are the "Pot of Gold."

can't sleep. post-project-meeting high.

I just realised that I wrote superduper long for the last entry. Whoops. Sorry to put you through my mini essays sometimes. But these are such major issues that it can't be concised too much I guess? hehz.

It's major pia time for the next 2.5 weeks. Last lap already (so fast! can't believe sem is ending liao) so project meetings are intensifying in frequency and duration. It's pretty cool how we can have meetings from 9pm to 3am though, just because we live within the same college. These are precious memories that I will treasure. :)

Things I'm making a mental note to be thankful for:

laptops . thumbdrives . google . 'format painter'!! (juz learnt this new trick wahaha) . printscreen . photoediting programs (that allows 'crystallisation', *winkz*)

sex and the soCIeTY

It's pretty amazing how what I hear/learn on monday nights at christian union meetings and then various lectures or tutes or conversations/events etc during the week seem to 'match up' sometimes. Last week was probably the third time it happened this semester!

Well last week got me thinking quite a bit about God, sex and society. First we learnt about 'sex and timing' on monday. Basically we're learning from the book Song of Songs these few weeks. [yes, song of songs actually has something worthwhile amidst all those lovedovey poems!]

Most of it is yeah.. what I already know. Like sex is created by God (it was never created to be 'dirty' really!), it is meant to be good, but it's also meant to be only within the institution of marriage. What I liked about the session was the refreshing openness and sincerity with which the topic was approached and brought across.

These are godly people who really want to show the students just how much God yearns to see us in godly and beautiful relationships, not in broken relationships that we may find ourselves so easily in; after all, this is a broken and fallen world. Put two imperfect people (that's ALL of us, btw) in a r/s... what ARE the chances that it'll be anything but difficult, really! :P

Yeah, and I guess, somemore this culture is even more and more sex-driven. Many (ok, most) of the students are younger than me, and growing up in a culture like this, i'm really glad that pple like the leaders care enough to broach queasy topics like these openly to us all.

Then last friday we had a lecture on sexuality. What stuck in my mind most was the video shown to us, where the opening scene was about a fella who is wheelchair-bound, and has high tone in his limbs. He spoke about how he may be physically disabled but he still has sexual needs and rights like everyone else. So he saves up to go to the brothel, and because it's pretty expensive, he can only go once a month.

Well, that disturbed me. Sure, I am all for pushing for the rights of people with disabilities. And I can't agree more that there ought to be an increased recognition of the fact that they have the same needs, emotions and rights as everyone else.

But I think that just because one has a sexual need, doesn't mean he has to go straight out and fulfil that need. Maybe when watching that video, viewers might tend to 'pity' him and say, gee that's nice that there is at least an alternative to him being able to fulfil the need, since he might not be able to find that 'the normal way' (as in via marriage). [ok that is a whole can of worms in itself but i'm just echoing common perspectives].

But if you take away his disability and all - if this is a regular guy who says, I have needs, so I go to the brothel. Would you approve?

I guess the larger issue that disturbed me was also about how I, as an OT, would react if I had a patient/client like that. Yes we're supposed to be client-centred, and we're supposed to be creative in finding alternatives and all ways n means to enable the client to achieve their goals. But, last I remember, thankfully what is written in the OT uniform terminology under performance areas (i.e. areas of occupations that we perform, such as dressing ourselves, or going to school) is that this area came under 'sexual response' or 'sexual expression' or something like that. Not 'sexual activity'. So, phew. So now I realise, that this is probably one aspect in the uniform terminology that is special... within the institution of marriage. Not just a 'normal' ADL (activity of daily living - heaps of things fall under this).

I'm sure not everyone will agree with me.

One of the diagrams used to illustrate sex and timing was that of a slide in playground, where the bottom of the slide is sex in a relationship. Go all the way down the slide and how do u climb back up? It's a once-u've-been-there-there's-no-reversal thing. It is better to remain off the slide until it is perfectly sanctioned as ok to go down it (i.e. marriage). Similarly, society as a whole has gone down the slide already. Which might be why everyone is saying why bother about the slide in the first place. We may talk and yak about the degradation of society. But can we see why it is happening in the first place? Maybe it's because we've gone down the slide so far down we can't remember what it is like any other way.

But society doesn't have to mirror your life to the T.

Romans 12:2 - Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

*sigh!*

I've always said that I would never (and could never) be in a waitressing job. Why? Simply because all my pay would go into paying for broken plates and glasses. I'm that clumsy. and blur.

And once again I've proven it.

Before I reveal my terribly embarrassing highlight of my week, I must explain the context and the background so that you can empathise with how I got myself into such a silly and painful predicament.

Basically it's been a tiring week. And it's supposed to be my sem break! Arrgh. Have to complete a project (grp) and an essay by next week. We had come to a consensus to come prepared for the group meeting and use the meeting to collate our individual attempts at the thing we had to do. I diligently did my bit, staying up really late (or rather, early into the morning) to complete it. Then what happens? I realised that not everyone was as silly as me. sigh. whatever.

Then also because of this, I caught myself falling into the very tempting area of gossip. When does one cross the boundaries of 'sharing my day' (which unfortunately might include some unloading of burdens onto friends) into 'gossip'? I am ashamed to say that I have gone into that arena at times this week.

The one day I decided to treat myself to some retail therapy and exploring of a new place, my friends and I got lost trying to walk to a direct factory outlet place in some pretty faraway suburb. It took us 1.5hr to reach the suburb by bus and train, and we wanted to save on the busfare of the last leg of the journey (different zone so must pay separately). Actually it's not supposed to be that far really. But yeah.. we got a bit lost. wahahahaha. And ended up walking for 2h in all to reach that place. Thankfully the weather was good. I actually enjoyed the walk, getting to see a pet shop along the way which had snakes too, and a nice pretty housing area which was obviously an above-average-affluence place. But it did add to my fatigue i think. Although I was happy for the little bit of exercise in any case.

So anyway. It's been a very tiring week. And last night I was so tired I basically walked into a glass door that I thought was open because it seemed so crystal clear walkable. After recovering from the shock and embarrassment (but thank God no one was around!!!!! but still embarrassed mah.) I found myself with a ba-lou-ku on my forehead and what I thought was slightly bleeding teeth. Turned out that it was my lip that was bleeding instead. The ba-lou-ku was so swollen yesterday I panicked big-time and massaged it until I slept.

This morning it was smaller *phew!*, but my lip is slightly swollen. :( And I juz realised my nose got a little bumped too.

*sigh!* What to do? So blur I can't believe myself. *sigh!*

Thanksgiving
- for friends so comfortable to be with, it was a pleasure getting lost and walking together for 2hours, haha.
- that I didn't break any teeth or nosebridge or my glasses when that happened
- that I found the trackpants I wanted *yay!*

My prayer
- I want to use my tongue only in ways that can glorify You, Jesus. It is so tough, so tough. But help me do it by Your grace and strength. Help me remember James 3:5-6 >> "A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything--or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell."
- Dear Lord, grant me patience and tact to rebuke in love if need be. Help me not to rebuke in malice.