they keep me going

This week was poignant. It was one of the most terribly and busily difficult weeks ever ever ever, but I thank God for little snippets of immensely satisfying moments that kept me going.

Like hearing a patient's relative remark in wonder that she honestly was unable to imagine that he would ever be able to do basic things by himself again, just as she was watching him do it like he had always done so all his life.

Like having another patient telling me that the journey she is on now is much too difficult, much too painful, yet knowing and seeing in her eyes that she believed and trusted in me when I teared along with her and told her that I will be there in this journey together with you.

Such precious moments. Here's to the therapist's own journey. One less travelled, one less easy. This poem is stuck in front of my desk at work. Enjoy.

Therapist
I am not permanent in your life,
and you are not permanent in mine.
But let me walk beside you
for a little while
and hold your fingers for support
while you have a need.
Let me walk with you
and smooth your path
until you gain your strength
and breathe out healing once again.
We come to this together,
I, to learn to be healed,
and you, to be healed and to learn.
And this coming together,
this communion,
this beauty in gentleness,
is breathless in its magnificence.
If my job is well done,
you will hardly know that I
have appeared and disappeared.
I am not permanent in your life,
and you are not permanent in mine.
But let us walk together
for a little while
and touch our fingers for support
while we have a need.
Ann Eaton

in sickness or in health

I left work on Friday with the phrase 'in sickness and in health' ringing in my mind. Perhaps the hospital is the one place where one can see the marriage vows being put to the ultimate test. This wk I have been very, very touched by seeing such sincere and heart-warming examples of couples who go thru thick and thin together in sickness and in health, for better or worse.

The one lying on the bed might be unable to do much for him/herself, maybe looking like you've never imagine she/he would look one day. Perhap there is even the chance that she/he will go soon, leaving the spouse to raise the family alone now. Perhaps this, perhaps that. All against the backdrop of uncertainty, strange smells, beeping machines... etc.

"I take you to be my wedded wife/husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness."

To this particular couple in my life now >> you have blessed me. more than you could imagine. =)

appreciation

Ok... a sincere heartfelt 'thank you' to all who were pretty concerned after my last entry. I'm much better now and that's gd news. *yay!* I took measures to preserve my sanity, basically. Like having lunch at the correct time and chatting with the rest. Just... consciously caring more for myself lah. And it's working, thank God. So hey, next time I teeter on the brink of burnout again, poke me and remind me to do this ok? ;)

I guess it's not an entirely smooth week either. Events happened that made me think about what a world of difference it makes when we meet appreciative patients and family, versus ngiao, unreasonable and worst of all, unappreciative patients and family. I had two appreciative ones today and seriously, that's all the motivation we need sometimes to get through a busy, choc-a-bloc day. For once, someone actually realised that we do need to eat lunch too. (revelation: "we're humans too!") The patient's sister was shooing us away to get our lunch. hee. I don't know how to put it across, but now, i really realise that appreciation goes a long long way leh!

Most of the time, however, everyone expects us to be around 24h, to come in 5min when called, to work thru lunch, and worst, worst worst of all - to not charge for what we do?!?!?!?!? Sigh. what is this world coming to.

In the midst of it all, I thank God once again for my colleagues. hey - we're united. and behind u! :)

catch me before i ebb away

I found myself thinking this week "I hate this" as I was going to work. If you know me, u'll know this means it's serious. And yes, i think it got pretty serious this week as I also found myself close to tears sometimes juz feeling massively overwhelmed.

It's been a really rough week. I'm soooo thankful for the various fellow OTs that I could share my struggles with and who encouraged me along. Thank you God for that, cuz I really needed the encouragement. And the reminder that it's no use burning myself out because it's not going to benefit anyone in the long run.

It's easy to say and not that easy to carry out. I can try my best, but I might still dream of my patients tonight, juz like I have been doing for many many nights already. I don't know how to describe the disappointment I feel (in myself) when I wake up in the morning thinking of my patients.

The struggle within myself is probably what grips me the most. It is the knowledge that i am so NOT looking after my body and health, and neither am i able to give my best to some patients just because there is so little time, so many patients, and so few therapists. If I were to do a 'What do you hold important in your life?' activity, these two things - my health and doing an excellent job for patients - would rank highly. And this is precisely the problem. I can't. I can't.

Having the awareness of the crux of the problem is supposed to be good I guess, but perhaps... not when having the awareness is no point, because i cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe that's why they say ignorance is bliss.